Dear patient,

For just a second there, but a second that seemed to last a day, I thought you were already dead. The fixed stare, the not breathing... But your color was good and you had a good pulse. And so the moment passed. Maybe a seizure? Maybe a stroke? I mean, seriously, you're a hot mess medically, having come to us straight from the ICU. Later, in the emergency room, you told the doctor you were fully conscious the whole time we were running the code and that you were just hoping we'd leave you alone a let you die. So you held your breath. And stopped answering to your name. Well, I'm sorry I fucked that up for you. But it's kind of the opposite of what I do. I hope you can forgive all of us who've been keeping you alive these past few weeks since your suicide attempt. And I hope that soon I'll be able to forget the crushing dread of of that long moment of thinking I was already too late.

love,

constance