I've been asked if I can't just ask the questions, write down the answers, and not get emotionally invested. But I know that all day long, in the emergency room, in the crisis evaluation, in the intake, you've been repeating your story to one after another person with a clipboard. Checking off the boxes for abuse, trauma, neglect, loss, depression, despair, and hopelessness. And I don't want to be another one of those people. I want you to know that I'm listening. I want to always mean it when I say "I'm sorry that happened to you."
But then I'm just sorry all the time. And sad that people can be so cruel to each other. And angry at the hand you've been dealt. And guilty that I have access to good, reliable, regular psychiatric care myself. Sorry that I can't do more for you.
And sometimes I feel so inadequate for being so affected by it all. Why can't I figure out how to be compassionate without being overwhelmed? There has to be a balance between caring and jadedness. Between empathy and indifference.
I know that there's a kind of spectrum of involvement. At one end there's complete emotional separation from those you care for. And at the other, there's the over-involvement of complete immersion and identification with patients. I also know that if I'm not going to find the space in the middle I would much rather be on the immersion side than the indifference side. And that's where I am. But I need to get closer to the middle of that spectrum than I am.
Because my life isn't just work. And things outside of work take time and attention and effort and caring and living and being and learning. So sometimes I don't have it all to give at the hospital. I would say I can't give what I don't have. But that doesn't seem to be true. I don't yet know how to do this job without caring so much and trying so hard and doing so much. But when my balance is low from the start I find I'm pulling the resources for all that doing out of thin air. I'm overdrawing on my emotional account, I guess. And then I need a bit of time to replenish. So I'm learning.
And that sucks. I'm mad about not being able to do it the way I want to, without any negative consequences. Maybe because I'm naive. Maybe because I'm too hard on myself. Maybe because I'm not hard enough.
But hey - I'm working on it. Making myself take "mental health days" when I need to. Asking for help from my friends. Writing here just to get it out of my head. And it's weird. And scary. This is not the way I'm used to handling what feels like failure. I don't know. Change is hard even when it's a change for the better.
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