Dear patient,
I really don't know what to say. I'm sorry. I'm hurt. I'm angry. And I feel so guilty. I'm sorry you feel so bad. I'm sorry I don't really like you and think you're a loud mouthed "funny guy" jerk. I'm sorry you wanted to kill yourself. I am. But I'm really hurt. I'm really hurt that you tried at the hospital. And now that you were found in time to save your life I don't know what to say to you. Maybe you "just" wanted attention. Maybe you really needed attention you weren't getting. I'm sorry. But I'm not going to apologize to you nor am I going to pretend it didn't happen. I don't want to make you feel worse but I don't want you to think it's ok either. What if he hadn't found you hanging by a sheet from your door? What if you had died? What would that have done to all of us? And yes, I feel guilty for feeling that way. But what the fuck. Just because I'm a nurse doesn't mean I'm not fucking human. I am really so sorry that you feel so bad. I really am. But I'm really hurt too. I'm hurt that you didn't come talk to us - to someone. I know I'm not the only one who cried over you today. And I wasn't even on the unit last night. So fuck you. And I care about you. And I'm sorry. And I feel guilty. And I feel angry. I really don't know what to say.
Love,
Constance
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I don't know about you or about him but it helps ME to be reminded of how many messy ways there are to feel about any one thing, that it's not terrible but in fact just life. Thanks for that, Constance.
ReplyDeleteIt's true. The older I get the more capable I am of holding a bunch of different feelings all at once.
ReplyDeleteThough I am reminded of what a wise old man once told me. "The nature of suffering is the inability to reconcile understandings." When you know two things are true that should be mutually exclusive. But they're not. They're both (or all) true. And it doesn't make sense. But there it is. Some things are neither rational or irrational - they're just nonrational. And that's hard.